It should come as no surprise that I'm into a little bit of sci-fi, and one of my favorite shows to watch is Star Trek. Preferably, it would have to be Star Trek: The Next Generation because that's what I grew up with and holds a special place in my heart, but there's something to be had from the entire franchise being iconic for its cast, crew, and incredible effects. But if there's one iconic line from Star Trek that has stood the test of time - and it's actually not "to boldly go where no one has gone before," it would be this one: "Change is the essential process of all existence." And that was spoken by the beloved Dr. Spock. The quote originally came from the Greek philosopher Heraclitus, who had put it best this way eons ago: "The only constant in life is change." No matter who said it, the message is still the same - life isn't meant to stay the same, and every day has an opportunity for changes and transformation in order to help us grow and become the individuals we were meant to become. Hopefully, it's for good, but sadly, change can also do ill will to those who give into their own selfish desires and fears. I think a lot of us can conclude that we've been through a ton of changes in the past four years. Even longer, when you think about it. But from 2020 to the present, we've experienced so much change and transformation that helped us evolve with the times, and also try our patience. Think about it: A tumultuous election, Major strikes by the unions across the arts and industries that make up the fabric of this country, Inflation, New jobs, Leaving jobs after a number of years, Marriage, Divorce, A new baby (or the newest addition to a growing family), Moving to a new city, Home renovations, Starting school, A major (or minor) surgery, Weight loss, Weight gain, Healthy (or unhealthy) updates, Rising crime in places you'd least expect, Selling cars, Buying cars, Increase in duties at your job, New job titles, Pivoting to a new career different from what you've been doing, Growing older, Growing up,
Longtime businesses closing,
New businesses opening,
The introduction of AI,
Algorithms impacting social media,
Making new friends,
Cutting ties with good, longtime friends,
Deaths,
Political division and turmoil,
Increase in fortune,
Decrease in fortune...
Did I forget anything?
Oh, right.
A global pandemic that shut down the world for over a year.
It seems like these four years have been the most trying on our souls in terms of how much things have changed, and how there were times when we wondered how much more of this we can take, or even if the changes can last forever to benefit us.
Whether it was all four years or the most recent year, change was, and still is, the only constant in our lives.
There's no escaping it, and there's no trying to hide from it.
The strongest of people have to endure change, as well as the people with the most indifference.
How else can we grow and thrive if we don't experience even the smallest bit of change in our lives?
Especially if it's meant to transform us into the men, women, non-binary, and persons we're meant to be?
It's often been stated in my church that being a Christian isn't all roses and sunshine, not by a long shot.
There's a lot of growing pains, pruning, persecution, and other ugly things that stay with us on our walk with God.
Even if you're not a religious person, one can't deny that while there's so much you can gain with all of these changes, there's a lot to be lost when change comes your way.
You can lose vital relationships, connections, fortunes, security, comfort, and even yourself if you're not careful with where these changes may take you.
And even if you are, you'll still benefit from the changes in your life in some small way.
You'll forge new paths, new relationships, a new mindset, and a new opportunity to learn, grow, and thrive as the person you were meant to become.
Somehow, people only see the discomfort and the stress change can bring, instead of looking forward to the beauty and creativity change can bring.
Why is it that we're so scared of change when we know that it's the only constant in life?
To put it bluntly:
We don't want to lose what we've already worked hard for in our lives, or even move beyond what we can see in our mind's eye.
Nobody said change was easy, but I'm pretty sure that you didn't expect it to be uncomfortable as well.
Or even costing you the very people or ideas that helped shape who you are and what you're meant to do in your life (or what you think you're meant to do in your life.
To put things in perspective, I've experienced a whole lot of change in the past 10 months, and a big part of it was involving my career.
Things change in your career, especially if you're an actor.
Maybe it's time to share what some of these changes were, and how uncomfortable but also fulfilling they were to me.
And also hopefully show you that as scary as change is, it's necessary for our growth...
Even the very fabric of our lives.
As I look back on the past 10 months of everything that's happened to me thus far this year, I can honestly say I'm no longer the same person I was.
Between not getting much jobs as an actor for the first few months, making an unexpected decision in March, hitting the hustle grind to get more jobs (without much results), not doing well with a fundraiser for summer camps, reaching my lowest and most exhausted with burnout, taking an acting break, being an understudy to two roles in my first show in a while, being an understudy in a Shakespeare play, performing three original children's plays for a festival, auditioning again, taking another acting break, performing on one of the biggest stages in my region for a TYA show, landing a role in an original show, taking another acting break, performing in my very first fringe show outside of my region, seeing my name in a national publication in my region for the second time ever, taking another acting break, and now reflecting on everything that's happened and what to do next...
I'm definitely seeing the difference in who I was when I started the year and who I am now.
I think the exhaustion of the constant hustling reared its ugly head when I came to the root cause of it all:
No one in my family, not even my mother, ever said the words "thank you."
That may not seem like much, but when it's the people who were supposed to love you and protect you and accept you for who you are, it means a great deal to me.
And it took me over seven months from the time the burnout started till now to realize this.
Which brings me to my first point about change:
Discovering the root cause of the problems, particularly if it's burnout, or even why you're stuck may be the first step in helping you move forward and taking the leap of faith to make some adjustments in your life.
For a long time, I was under the impression that if I put myself out there time and time again, whether it was going to every single audition I can get myself to, or even baking treats or giving gifts to cast members (even if I'm directly related to the show), or doing every task perfectly so that there wasn't anything that could possibly go wrong - and in many cases, it did - I would hear the words "thank you" repeated so much that I could feel like I'm worthy to others. Even to the point that I matter enough to someone, when I didn't seem to matter to my father, older sister, or even mother.
Not being valued in my family to the point where I don't hear the words "thank you" or even be appreciated for everything I do in life can put a real damper on your self-esteem and confidence.
Once I discovered the root cause of my burnout, that was when I started to make some changes, or as we like to call them, adjustments.
After some deep reflecting, I let my mom know about this, and she was sad that she never said "thank you" to me, and is going to make attempts to say it more frequently.
As for me, I decided to step away from overdoing it with baking treats and giving gifts to casts until I was in a better place where I do things from my heart, and not expect anything in return.
But in terms of my career, one of the biggest adjustments I had to make was how I treated myself and how I spoke to myself.
Burnout will force you to the very things you've been putting off for quite some time, the first being that you have to slow down, whether you like it or not.
The next thing burnout will force you to do is to reflect, no matter how painful it may be.
I've had to reflect on plenty of things in my career: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
And for someone who's been conditioned to expect the absolute worst outcome due to abuse and mistreatment, it's been a learning curve to not think of the worst possible outcome and to just go with the flow...
And accept things as they are.
Acceptance is hard in this business, especially when there is so much wrong in this industry that needs to change, as well as how slow things are changing.
I've come to the realization that I'm not meant for every show, nor am I meant for every theatre.
And accepting that maybe right now with my recovery going on it's for the best that I don't go out for every single audition or project looking for submissions.
That's a tough pill to swallow for any actor, no matter how experienced you are.
I remember seeing a story about two actresses, each of them in their careers going on two separate paths.
One actress was so excited to be in her career that she submitted for EVERYTHING, even the roles and parts that she didn't necessarily fit the casting call was looking for.
She ended up going to endless auditions, each with or without much of a lead, and you can probably figure out where it went from there.
The second actress was a bit more strategic:
She auditioned for roles and parts, but not for every single role, even the ones where she wasn't right for.
She ended up getting less auditions, but more opportunities as she built relationships and connections from the parts she did audition and submit for. And she was being recognized for what roles she could play.
You see my point?
The first actress ran herself ragged for going to every single audition, sometimes as many as five in one day, and didn't see that there were just some parts that don't fit her.
The second actress knew that she wasn't right for every role, and didn't want to risk any more of her mental and emotional stability by even trying to go to every audition.
Sometimes, acceptance is knowing what you can and can't do in cases like this, especially if it's at the risk of your mental and emotional well-being.
After those five auditions which led to three back-to-back-to-back rejections, I had to come to the harsh reality that maybe I'm not right for every show, and that it may or may not have to do with what I look like or how good my monologue is.
It could be that my schedule didn't line up with what they were looking for, or that they decided to go with someone else because they knew them better or fit the director's vision in a different way.
The point is, we may never know!
And accepting that this industry can be so demanding emotionally and mentally is a huge part of why this burnout happened, and how much I needed to see that some changes needed to be made.
I have to be the one to decide what I can or cannot accept in my career, especially if it's moving forward in a way that allows me to learn, grow, and thrive as an actor.
Some of those changes had to come after years of harmful, repeating patterns and beliefs.
For starters, it's starting to see my worth as an actor, both personally and financially.
I no longer work for unpaid opportunities, even if the project seems fun, and it's not because I don't want to.
I believe I've learned all I can learn from the unpaid opportunities, and as I'm nearing my ninth year as a professional actor, working for free isn't exactly the way to go professionally. Nor is working for just $50 or even $100.
The only exception to that rule is if a friend or an acquaintance personally reaches out to me to ask me to be a part of the project.
And it's hard to say no to the best projects if they may or may not be helping you grow, especially where money is concerned.
Some other changes I've had to make in my career is obviously not going out for every single audition (but then, you already knew that), but this is not just from a strategic place.
This is from the heart.
If there is a project that excites me or intrigues me in the smallest way, I will submit for it.
But if I don't feel anything like a spark or a smidge of curiosity, I'll pass.
Believe me, there are projects that I would love to be a part of more and more as an actor, like classical works or adapted plays from well-known stories.
However, if you find yourself running out of steam as you go out for every single project, especially if it's out of desparation, you'll be no good for any creative work you want to do. And then you also run the risk of being in a show where it won't make you happy or fulfilled as an actor, and your happiness matters. Even if it's just bonding with the cast!
A big part of the burnout is realizing how much of the stress and strain of being an actor and going to every single thing got to me, and it's finally forcing me to see that the weariness of it all is not healthy and I'm no longer allowed to run myself ragged as much I as thought I could.
And I often look at it from this perspective:
What's meant to be will be coming my way with ease, and I shouldn't have to force it to come my way just to make me more uncomfortable.
Even with the rejections and silence from many others, something is coming my way, and I'm in no control of when that will be.
Which leads me to my next change:
Rejections suck. There's no denying that.
But one of the biggest changes I've made during the recovery is the one that so many of us seem to forget to do, and that's simply feel out all of the emotions of being an actor.
We have to put our best foot forward, dress in a way to make a good impression, perform a monologue or sing a 16-bar cut song, navigate potential changes, hear a gentle "thank you" with or without any reaction from the creative team, wait for days for a response, and then pray for the best outcome as it could be "the one that changes everything."
And then we get that email that says, "Thank you so much for taking the time to auditon. However, we've decided to go in a different direction..." or "unfortunately, we don't have a role for you in this show," or "although we won't be able to use you in this show, we invite you to come back and audition for our future projects."
Or even just withstand the sound of silence after an audition, which to me is still quite disrespectful and nerve-wracking.
So, what do we do?
We somehow find a way to keep going after each rejection, sometimes going right to the next audition until we get that simple "yes."
And that sometimes means not having any time to cry, punch your pillow, scream into your pillow, or even scarf down a pint of your favorite ice cream while watching Netflix.
Listen, I've had four straight days of crying nonstop and lashing out at people for no reason, which to me is the absolute worst part of the burnout.
And that's because of all I've carried over the years without much processing, let alone feeling all of the emotions.
I can still hear the words being said to me:
"Crying makes you weak." "Nobody cries in this business." "You've got to have strong armor to succeed in this business." "Nobody wants to work with you if you get upset after every rejection."
Somehow, those phrases stuck with me and I had to toughen up over the past 20+ years, which included putting on a very heavy suit of armor to hide all of the emotions and the stress and the weariness from going to every single audition.
I thought I had it under control..
But burnout had something to say about that.
I basically realized that I couldn't just go about my days with rejections hiding all of my emotions all bottled up and swallowing it up without allowing myself to feel everything that comes with rejections:
Anger, sadness, frustrations, confusion, and even some despair.
But the way I go about feeling all of those emotions has changed drastically, too.
Nowadays, when I'm overwhelmed, on the verge of tears, frustrated, or just need a moment, I go off to myself to somewhere comfortable and just talk to myself.
I hug myself and speak to myself kindly.
I say things like "I know you're hurt, I know you're frustrated, and I know you're sad."
"It's okay to feel this way."
"I know you wanted this."
"Something is coming our way, even if we can't see it right now."
"I see you, I hear you, and I feel you."
"You have a right to feel angry about this."
"It's okay to cry."
"I know you're disappointed."
"I'm proud of you for coming this far."
"You are amazing."
"You are strong."
"You are valuble, you are intuitive, you are enough, and you are worthy. That is our new point of view."
If there's one thing about me, I haven't had the chance to speak to myself kindly recently.
But burnout forces you to do the things that needs to change, and that includes how you speak to yourself.
Granted, there are still times when I think critically of myself, but then I remember that it's okay to go off by myself and sit down, slow down, and process everything.
And remember that I'm so many wonderful things.
Perhaps that's the hardest thing about change:
Learning to be kind and give yourself grace.
For me, I've had surgery, a major decision to my career, nonstop hustling, burnout, bouncing back with 8-9 projects, and now resting until my next opportunity comes.
It's normal to believe that you're being lazy with resting and recovering from so much things.
Heck, I'm still wondering how eight months later I still haven't gotten back to my figure after surgery, even with exercising for 45-60 minutes a day.
Sometimes we think of change as something that happens... well, immediately.
Not over the course of a day, week, month, or even a year.
And when we don't get the results we want, or we lose valuable people and resources, or we even experience setbacks, we give up and go back to our old ways.
Let me be the first to say that that's normal! (And sometimes still hard to believe!)
Of course you want to be a better person, but if you went through changing like a NASCAR driver, I guarantee you will get into a bad injury that you'll have a hard time recovering from, and it's not over the course of a week or two.
I wouldn't want to wish burnout on everyone, so why go through change as if it's the speed of life?
You know what they say: it's not the destination, it's the journey.
So why not enjoy it for once?
(This week's blog post is a mix of observations, reflections, and real-life experiences all rolled up into one, but may I remind you that they are just that. MY observations, MY reflections, and MY real-life experiences. Yours could be the exact same or completely different from my own, and you are welcome to disagree with me on anything I've said in this week's post or previous writings. However, I will not stand for an offensive language, disrespectful comments, or hate speech from anyone. We need to accept and change with the times that we can agree to disagree, and if you can't do a simple thing like that, I will block you.)
Change is scary. Change is uncomfortable. Change is not straightforward. Change is stressful. Change is worth it. Yes, change is so worth it. Like it or not, we have to change with the times. And no matter how many times it's been said, people just simply don't want to change because they're scared of what they could lose. You wanna know something? I lost a lot of things when I was changing. Yes, I lost people I cared about because they no longer served my beliefs or my needs. Yes, I lost acting opportunities because they weren't meant to be. Yes, I lost my old pay rate because I worked hard and was willing to learn new things to get a higher pay. Yes, I lost weight because I didn't want to end up like my father who had type 2 diabetes and died of a cancer all over his body simply because he didn't take care of himself. Yes, I lost narrow-mindedness over certain groups of people because I got to meet them for myself to see and to understand that they're just people who want to live their own lives without fear or persecution. Yes, I lost my taste for all beef and pork products because they contributed to my health problems and I want to live longer and more fruitfully. Yes, I lost my desire to audition for every single role because I know how much I needed to take care of myself and that I'm not qualified for every role that doesn't align with my current needs for my career. Yes, I lost my will to beat myself up over and over again because I'm starting to finally see that I'm worth being kind to myself and loving myself for who I am, flaws and all. Don't you see? You are going to lose things, but think about what you can gain from what you lost. Awareness, compassion, intelligence, humility, strength, perseverance, courage, and a new beginning. We often think so much that change is too hard or that we're not cut for it, but here's the reality of this: we're all going through it together, no matter what it is. You cannot escape change, no matter how hard you try. And here's another harsh reality: you have to be the one to decide how you can use that change. People often use change as a way of controlling others through fear and anger and division. But if I know you, you can use change as a force for true good, without the fear and the anger and the division. We don't need anymore fear or anger or division. Change is a way that can bring people together, and help us see how much we're all alike without being scared of even looking at the other person. Kind of makes me think that we're all going through the motions of change together, doesn't it? Even if you don't understand a thing about my career, you know that things change at the drop of the hat and how we're all still figuring things out since the pandemic. Or at least things are slowly starting to change. We're just all impatient because those pillars of our industry have been standing for so long and it's long overdue for them to come down. But here's the last thing to remember about change: You can't force it. You have to let it run its course and let the individuals figure out that things need to change on their own. And also just let go of their pride and entitlement. That seems to be the hardest thing for audiences and creative leaders in the indsutry. Can I get an amen, hallelujah here?! Need I remind you that things will turn out all right in the end? Need I remind you that we cannot escape change, no matter how hard we try? Need I remind you that it's time to let go and accept that change is a big part of our lives, no matter how painful and uncomfortable it may be? It's going to be okay, really. You may not recognize yourself after undergoing so many changes, but you won't lose sight of who you are and who you're meant to become. I wish you could just see just how good change is, but I'm the one who can force you to see that. You have to figure that out on your own... The hard way, or the easy way. Your choice. I promise you your future self will thank you for changing and evolving into the individual they dreamed you would become. Be the change that YOU want to see, not just for yourself... But for others as well. A good dose of some Dr. Spock's words of wisdom will cure what ails you. So... listen closely.
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