"Age is just a number..." And yet, it's age that seems to dictate every aspect of our lives. If you're not reading and learning the ABCs (or even talking in sentences) by the time you're four or five, you're behind. If you're not married by the time you're 25, you're a failure. Or, in Jane Austen's case, a spinster, which also means a failure. If you don't have kids before 30, forget about it. If you don't make a 10-figure salary before 30, forget about it. If you're not a homeowner before 30, forget about it. If you don't have a Bachelors, an MFA, or a Ph.D before 30, well... Forget about it. No matter where we go or where we live, age is a big part of our lives. If we didn't have numbers to dictate how old we are or where's going towards, we'd be very confused human beings. Maybe the idea of age being a huge part of our lives is society's fault. Somehow, centuries of procreating and evolving ideas and choices haven't really caught up with the 21st century. The number of years you've lived is a big indicator of how well or how poorly you've done for yourself. The added bonus of a loving marriage, incredible family, wonderful job, or even living in a great city works alongside age. Not having these things by the time you reach a certain age can determine if you're set up for success... or failure. Or worse yet, age seems to be an indication of how we look to the rest of the world. For a number of years, it was believed that you start to lose your good looks and charm by the time you reach 50. At least that was the case for over 1000 years, or even reaching beyond 50 was not a guarantee. You start feeling your age as you hit 35, and then you're considered over the hill by the time you hit 45 or 50. You're not as flexible or as limber after you've hit 35. You don't feel as youthful like you were when you were in your teens and 20s. Gray hair starts to show up when you've hit your mid-20s. Wrinkles start to appear as early as your late 20s if you're not careful about sunscreen or good skincare. You see my point? No matter how much we try to deny it, age has always spoken to us about the way we've looked, moved, or even where we are supposed to be in society. I think another big reason is the generational trauma we've endured for centuries. We've somehow inherently been taught that we have to be married by a certain age to be successful, or have a child by a certain age to be considered worthy, or have a 10 figure income (happiness not included!) by a certain age to make the 30 under 30 list, Anything that goes against our age... Childish! Headstrong, obstinate! Worthless! Failure! It's no secret that age is a major indicator of our lives, whether we like it or hate it. And it's also no secret that we compare ourselves to others who are older, younger, or even the same age we are... Who are further ahead in their careers, marriages, family lives, and what they have. And when we see that they have more than what we have at that age, it's easy to be discouraged... Even feel like a failure for not being up to par with people who are married, have children, have a stable job, and more by the time we reach that age. But you know what else I see? I see people who don't act their age... And are often better people because of it. Though, there are some instances where people don't act their age and look absolutely ridiculous when they act out or not get their way. Acting like petulant children, as it were. (Sounds like someone familiar, anyone?) But the people who don't let their age stop them from living their best lives, lives that are meant to be lived fearlessly, brilliantly, and without any inhibitions, I can't help but admire them. They're not letting fashion, society, critics, or naysayers dictate when they should be married, or how they should dress, or how they need to look in order to be accepted by their peers or by the world in general.
They're not even letting centuries of what was taught to their ancestors and families dictate how to act at their respective ages.
They're breaking the rules, and as shocking, or even scandalous, as it is, it's inspiring a lot of people to make their own choices about what to wear, who to date or marry, and what they define success as.
And while age is important in how we act, dress, or even our education and careers, there are still some moments in our lives where we wonder why we aren't further along by now...
Especially when so many others your age are making leaps and bounds that you wouldn't believe.
In some cases, you wonder why you didn't start sooner along with everyone else.
There's a term out there for people who feel like this:
I think they're called...
Late bloomers.
And yours truly is one of them.
It's hard being a late bloomer when you're in the arts, because of so many others who've had the education, resources, and opportunities that I've lacked or are only coming to know about recently.
There's even cases when I wonder why I haven't been exposed or surrounded by the arts when I was younger so that I could have all the knowledge and theatrical success that I'm only now seeing in recent years.
But as much as I'm bemoaning my journey as an actor and writer in my late bloomer stage, there's actually some good that comes from this type of acting.
And - believe it or not - late bloomers do have worth and value in this field. More than you realize.
Let's dive in and discover this together.
You'd think with all of the auditions and callbacks and roles that I've been an actor for much longer.
Alas, I didn't really get started acting professionally until 2016, so nine years in.
So, why did I wait so long to start my career?
Well...
I guess a little thing called "life" got in the way of starting my career.
Mainly switching my major two times and then graduating with an interdisciplinary degree, not finding a post-graduation job right after college, dealing with and recovering from the trauma of being abused for most of my life (not to mention all of the years of therapy), working in part-time jobs that weren't arts centric, moving from the Midwest to the East Coast to start over and get away from my abusive father and sister for good, and actually discovering in one session that my eyes light up when I talk about theatre and performing.
But that's just it:
As "life" got in the way, I actually discovered at the ripe old age of 27-28 that it was time to pursue acting professionally, or at least get my feet wet with some non=paying opportunities to rekindle the flame that was dormant for so long.
Being a late bloomer means that you have plenty of chances to make some first time discoveries about yourself, your career, and your community that others who are younger or older than you may or may not have experienced.
Or even if they've had, the joy, trauma, and lessons learned from these discoveries is all the better to share with others who are even more behind or so far ahead of you to compare notes with each other.
Somehow, those first discoveries of what happens when I audition, go to a callback, land a role, attend rehearsals, experience hell, er, tech week, perform opening weekend, do a two-show day, close a show, and then start over again never gets old for me. I guess I've been used to experiencing this career like a little child - Eyes full of wonder, a mind filled with questions and curiosity, and always diving head first into doing things with plenty of moxie and excitement (even if I'm scared out of my mind. And those discoveries are just some of the reasons this late bloomer keeps going forward in her career. Then again, there are just some discoveries you would never want to go through again. I can't tell you the number of times I've learned so many things the hard way in this profession: Arriving late to an audition and waiting to be seen, getting scammed out of money when a project seems fantastic and pays well, being mistreated and verbally abused in acting lessons, not having a professional headshot, people pleasing, not having my sides or monologues memorized for an audition, not being prepared for auditions or rehearsals, and, oh, the rejections! The rejections are the ones that hurt the most. Because with each rejection comes a new discovery... And the most frequent one that you discover all the time is how it always hurts when you don't get the role. And how sometimes you feel bitter and jealous when a good friend of yours gets cast in the show you auditioned for. And how it's so hard to keep your head up when the rejections keep coming, sometimes in bunches. And how much you question yourself after every audition and the rejections that come with it. Let's face it: Every actor at every stage of their career is still stung at the rejections. What differs from the novices - late bloomers, included! - and the highly trained is how well we show (or not show) our emotions after every rejection. And how those discoveries after the rejections remind us that we're always learning more about ourselves and the industry. Which makes it all the more easier to say that even late bloomers aren't immune to rejections. In fact, it may hurt a bit more since the late bloomers started so late and are a bit behind of others who may have more experience and knowledge. And we not only have to build up our stamina but our emotional tolerance after every rejection because of not starting in the same place as everyone else. There's more chances for discouragement, but also a lot of questioning. And you know what? That's okay! Yes, the rejections hurt, and you don't want to go through some of the rough experiences you've went through, but at least you're learning. Not very many people can say they've learned from their mistakes and experiences, but late bloomers are extremely lucky to say that they're always learning something new. A lot of times those learning experiences happen on the job. Which may translate into late bloomers possibly taking classes in groups or one-on-one. Or even reaching out to the community for guidance and even hoping that they're not alone on this journey. In many cases, they're not alone. Not in the least. It's just that they're path is a little bit different from everyone else because they weren't cradle born performers or didn't attend an arts school or university or even didn't want to be artists or creatives at the start of their careers. Or, in my case, life got in the way and delayed my journey by about five years after graduation. Or even before moving to the East Coast and starting over. No matter the reason, late bloomers have the best chances of learning so much on the job because of those child-like discoveries. We're always learning so much, and getting those experiences the first time are all the more sweeter.
It helps us grow, and how can we do that if we're not learning something new every day?
And being sure we're not alone on our later bloomer journeys?
You know what is one of the hardest things about being a late bloomer?
You know you're making strides in whatever you pursue, but you still feel SO BEHIND.
No matter how much knowledge you acquire from books, videos, podcasts, blogs, and even on the job, there's still so much you don't know.
And you start beating yourself up for not knowing all of these things...
Or even beat yourself up for not starting sooner.
It's a known fact that as an actor there are a ton of shows out there to explore, even perform in.
But unfortunately, I never got around to seeing a lot of these classics and new works because of how much catching up I have to do as an actor.
As much as I'm ashamed to admit this, I never got surrounded by the arts until much later in life.
I never got around to seeing some of the biggest musicals or plays of my lifetime, like RENT, A Little Night Music, Othello, Hamilton, Chicago, The Book of Mormon, Waitress, Be More Chill, Chicken & Biscuits, Paradise Blue, Ma Rainey's Black Bottom, The Color Purple, Maury Yeston's Phantom of the Opera, Titanic, Ragtime, Beauty and the Beast, A Chorus Line, Annie, Urinetown, Kiss of the Spiderwoman, Bye Bye Birdie, Next to Normal, The Little Mermaid, Light in the Piazza, Old Friends, Company, Titus Andronicus, Our Town, The Importance of Being Earnest, Sunset Boulevard, Gypsy, Blithe Spirit, The Wiz, 1776, Cats, Avenue Q, The Bridges of Madison County, The Boy from Oz, Cabaret, Annie Get Your Gun, Ain't Misbehavin', A Gentleman's Guide to Love & Murder, Evita, Godspell, Dear Evan Hansen, Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812, Funny Girl, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, Dreamgirls, Hairspray, Jekyll & Hyde, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, Kiss Me Kate, The King & I, Mamma Mia, Matilda, Once On This Island, The Producers, Oklahoma!, My Fair Lady, Peter Pan, On A Clear Day You Can See Forever, Sweeney Todd, South Pacific, A Streetcar Named Desire, The Odd Couple, Barefoot in the Park, A Raisin in the Sun, Radio Golf, Yellow Face, Between the Lines, Memphis, She Loves Me, On the Twentieth Century, As You Like It, Richard III, A Midsummer Night's Dream...
You see my point?
There is a TON of shows I haven't seen yet, and to me, that feels like I haven't even scratched the surface of theatre, or even the arts.
And it was all because I started later than most people would.
I didn't get the chance to be exposed to more plays and musicals as I'd like due to my Catholic school upbringing and not being able to get to the cities to catch the plays or musicals due to costs.
I never even got to experience stage doors until the ripe old age of 25.
I'm pretty sure you feel the same way.
You didn't get that consistent exposure until much later in life, and that could be due to your education, location, financial situation, or anything else that is either within or out of your control.
And even as you're playing catch up with reading, researching, playing, and even doing the things to get the experience and the exposure, that feeling of being so far behind stays with you.
Not to mention the regret of not starting sooner.
But here's how I look at it:
Most people don't even realize that there's a need to be more educated or even aware of their mistakes, bad habits, or little nuisances in order to change, and that can cause problems for all of the teachers and professionals who want to help them get better in whatever they do.
The fact that I realize and admit (rather shamefully) I'm not as well-learned in my field and want to get better is an important first step to take, because that means there are people out there who want to help me get better and help me be exposed to the right people, places, and opportunities that can get me to where I want to be.
That makes the feeling of being so far behind everyone else go away... even if it's only for a little while.
And then, I often see posts like this that give me some comfort:
One of the things we tend to forget is how much we're not supposed to be on a timeline of someone else's, let alone society's expectations of a certain timeline.
Granted, the idea of timelines based on age has been past down throughout the centuries, but it has also evolved and transformed with the times.
Yes, there are some people who have thoughts and opinions of others who are not staying on the respected timelines or expectations, but a lot of them say "to hell with it" or something entirely different, and they keep moving on.
Many of the late bloomers you see in life are not only thriving at what they do, but they are also excelling because of the desire to be exposed to the very thing that brings them joy and purpose. And also because they constantly keep learning, even if their age is working against them. (Newsflash: it shouldn't! That's society talking again, and it needs to evolve and change with the times.)
If you want further proof of how late bloomers are excelling, just take a look at this list of people who didn't start in their respective fields right out of college, or even out of the cradle, as it were:
😎👍
Sometimes we have to try and fail in different avenues of our lives before realizing that the path we're taking isn't working, isn't bringing us purpose, or isn't even giving us joy.
Life is more than just work, and getting that big paycheck.
What good is that if you don't have the purpose and the joy behind it?
Sometimes, you have to take that chance to do something entirely different, even if it's at an older age than when others have started out from.
Finding your true calling has no timeline...
Just like finding love, getting your degree, buying your first home or car, getting married, having a baby, or getting your first job has no timeline, either.
What makes you think you need to follow society's timeline for success, when you're the one who's in control of how much work, discipline, passion, and creativity in whatever you're called to do?
Sometimes life causes us to pivot to find out where we truly are meant to be...
Timelines, be damned.
(This week's reflection has a bit more of an introspective look on my experience as a late bloomer, and the ups and downs that come with it. But that's just it - these are my thoughts and reflections on being a late bloomer. Whether you identify as one or you're so ahead of the game, you are welcome to disagree with me on anything I've written here, including past blog posts. What I won't tolerate is any offensive language, hate speech, or divisive comments that brings a wedge between the conversations we need to have. We all have to learn to live with each other, and to agree to disagree. If you cannot do these simple things, I will block you.)
If I could be vulnerable with you for a moment...
I find it very hard to believe and accept that I'm a late bloomer.
It's especially hard when you're surrounded by others who are younger than you, or even around your age who seem to have so much going for them and are doing well for themselves.
They have great jobs, wonderful marriages, plenty of kids, and are living the life I've always dreamed of.
It's especially hard for me to see this when I'm at church or house managing shows.
Because I'm constantly surrounded by reminders of not being where I want to be in my life, and constantly questioning why I'm not at that same place I see my friends and acquaintances are.
I want so badly to fall in love and find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I want so badly to be onstage at the big regional theaters, even Broadway someday, performing my heart out and making a living while also having a successful side business that doesn't require me to be in customer service all of the time.
I want so badly to be out on my own in my own apartment, where I can enjoy the solitude and being in my own space without feeling tied down by the rules of living with my mom, and also just being happy that I'm an independent adult.
I want so badly to be successful at what I do, and most of all, happy in what I do.
It's probably no secret as to what's the hardest part of being a late bloomer in my eyes, and it's tied with comparing myself to others...
And that's patience.
I'm so impatient at waiting for the next opportunity because I'm constantly reminded of not being in those same rooms or places or stages in my life that I want to be in.
And no matter how much work I'm putting into my career and in my life, there are still moments where I feel like I'm not moving fast enough or gaining traction to get to where I want to be.
I think seeing all of the announcements in casting and upcoming marriages and new arrivals on social media and emails will do the worst for your mental and emotional health.
Because that just makes it all the more painful of how far behind you are.
But I guess that's why this year is all about two things for me:
Self-love and investing time for myself to make sure I'm okay and also making sure my needs are met.
And then there's something else that this year is all about -
FEARLESSNESS.
I'm often told that I'm a director's dream because I go all in 100%, and I can't wait to tell you what means...
Next time.
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