People Pleasers Anonymous

Hello. My name is Nessa. And I'm a people pleaser. (This is probably the part where everyone says, "Hello, Nessa.") I'm gonna be the first to admit this, but I'm a people pleaser. I've been this way for much of my life, but I think the root cause of it came from when I was abused for much of my life by my father and older sister. It got especially bad when a lot of their behaviors rubbed off on me and I thought that screaming the top of their lungs, raising my voice to my elders, and even hitting others was okay. But then things went downhill went fast. Think numerous trips to the principal's office. And then things got really bad when my dad would yell at my sister and then my sister would yell at my mom and then all of the yelling just got to be too much for me... Because it led to fear. I was scared that I would get hurt in the worst possible way. Probably landing myself in the hospital. Or worse. I just wanted to have a normal family life - no yelling, no screaming, no slamming doors, no division, none of that. So, that's when it all started. I would walk on eggshells to keep the peace. Silence was golden if it meant no discord. I would take on more household chores like cooking and cleaning so that everyone would be satisfied. I would be more than willing to help others out, even if I didn't want to. At part-time jobs, I would take on so many duties just to show that I'm really a capable and reliable worker. I would never say "no" because I didn't want to be seen as selfish or weak. I would always put other's needs before my own, and often mistake that for selflessness. Or even love. And I would always put other's needs before my own all... the... time. By the time I would have a moment's peace for myself, I would be utterly exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. And every time I would say "enough," something happens that I would revert back to my old patterns once again. Just to keep the peace. There was a time when I told my sister to not say mean things or ask for too much from, and she proceeded to cuss me out and belittle me. I came crawling back to her begging for mercy, just to keep the peace. And then there was that time when my sister took money from me yet again, and I had to call my mom to explain what happened. My sister threatened to kick my ass, and I locked myself in the bedroom to keep her from potentially beating me up. She then came back and asked for my forgiveness... just to keep the peace. She even said that this is what families do and it's normal for people to help each other out, even in cases like this. And then there was that time at my first part-time job out of high school when I was putting ice in the ice machine, and a family needed help with an order. I told them that it would be just a minute since I was taking care of the ice, and they got upset. I promptly put down the ice and helped them with their order. And then there were the numerous times at both of my part-time jobs where I would overdo and overextend myself to help others out, even in scanning tickets, taking them to the room they needed to go, or even getting garbage bags for a sick child. Yeah. I think I overextended myself one time too many. And it's finally time to say, ENOUGH. I don't want to be a people pleaser anymore. All those years of abuse in my family, working twice as hard in my jobs and even my career, and even recently have taken a toll. To me, people pleasing can be best looked as a way of stooping down to someone else's level. Even if it's harmless. Think about it: You share a post, or a story, or even just stand up for yourself. And then someone else decides to say horrible things about you, even cuss you out. You get so overwhelmed by the negativity, the shame, and even the fear of losing someone, or your career, or even your connections, you decide to grovel and beg for forgiveness just to keep the peace. Even if it goes against your core values and beliefs. Maybe a big part of people pleasing has to do with fear. And even a little bit of shame. You don't want to lose the people who have stood by you all those years, even if some of what they say or do to you is questionable or not in your best interests. You're worried that if you say or do the wrong thing, even if it's standing up for yourself, you could lose everything because someone may have the power to ruin your life. (Sad but true.) And then if you happen to make a mistake or do something wrong, and not get corrected in a supportive way, that shame stays with you for a long time. I think at some point in our lives we've all been people pleasers. We've all had to put other's needs before our own without any established boundaries or even taking care of ourselves before helping others. We don't like to be rejected for any reason, and will take any suggestion or guidance to help us stay on someone's good side or get to where we need to be. Even if the suggestions aren't necessarily helpful for you and you alone. We've all felt shame for a mistake we've made and how much that mistake has hurt and impacted others, but especially us. We overextend ourselves. We get intense anxiety over not being liked enough or not doing enough. We get burned out to the point of being unable to do anything for ourselves. Or even think for ourselves. We end up looking like this, even:

Yup. This is where we give so much of ourselves to others we don't have much left to give, because it seems like every time we give so much away, it takes that much longer to recover and even give ourselves the love and care we so desperately need. But why do we deny ourselves the opportunity to love ourselves when we need it the most? Especially if it's required of us every day of our lives? Well, society plays a big role in this. The idea of giving spending too much time loving ourselves or giving too much to ourselves is selfish, and selfishness is already frowned upon as it is. Particularly when there are people out there who are so vain and only give to themselves - me, myself, and I, as it were - that they don't care about giving or sharing with others. So, even the act of self-care or self-love can leave a sour taste in people's mouths whenever they come across someone who is very self-centered and only cares about themselves. But maybe it's deeper than that. It could start out from society, and then seep its way into our family's psyche. Then, it could balloon out into different directions and angles and sectors and everything in between. You have your family members who are not only vain, but also abusive, alcoholics, narcissistic, even sometimes sexual offenders or rapists, and while that is seen as awful in the eyes of the world, you have to keep the peace and keep the family together. Because "blood runs thicker than water," or even "they're family, you don't have to like them but you got to love them." The idea that family will always be there for you, even the relatives you don't like or care for, and they should be loved and respected because if you don't have family, who else is left? And so, even with all of the dysfunctional relatives and troubling parents, you do your part to keep the family together. But after a while, all of the keeping it together starts to take its toll. You don't want to feel shame for not being good enough, or even doing what your family wants you to do (even if you don't feel comfortable doing it). You don't want to face rejection or even getting kicked out of the house for speaking up against the hurt and mistreatment. You take on so many tasks that everyone is satisfied, even if it's doing the same chores over and over again just because a family member knows how to push your buttons or manipulate you. You give and give and give so much to your family that you have nothing left to give, and when you ask for a chance to give to yourself, they call you out for being selfish. And then, from there, those patterns seep out into society even further - The workplace. Your school. Grocery shopping. Going to the gym. Traveling to a new place. Raising your own family. And the cycle never ends. But it can end, especially now in these given circumstances. More than ever, people pleasing is at an all-time high, and it can cause so much damage to your mental and emotional health if it's not taken care of. So what can we do to stop the people pleasing once and for all? Well, I have a few ideas...

Now that we know some ideas of where people pleasing comes from, let's go into a little deeper of why it exists. In most cases, the idea of people pleasing comes from a place of lack, or not having something that was fundamental to your overall growth and well-being. In my case, I never received love or affection or encouragement from my family for a number of years when I was growing up. No "I love you's". No hugs. No "you got this!" No "you're enough." None of that. Somehow, my late father's side of the family was also abusive and didn't encourage affection, and that somehow scarred my father for life. Even to the point of being somewhat incapable of raising me and my older sister. Some of his behaviors came from a lack of affection, support, and encouragement. And in turn, that upbringing was passed down to us, no matter how wrong or uncomfortable it felt. In a way, I thought it was normal. But then things went spiraling out of control whenever my father or my sister fought with each other. Or even when my mom or my sister fought with each other. Or even when my sister fought with me to the point of cussing me out. That lack of love, affection, and encouragement made me believe that I was the shame of the family, because why else would they always be yelling and fighting with each other? That lack built into shame, which then built into the idea of my responsibility of keeping the peace with everyone, which then built into the idea of taking on so much to make everyone proud, which then built into the idea of never saying "no" to anything or anyone, which then built into the idea of giving so much to others just for approval... You see where I'm going with this? Sometimes our behaviors stem from a place of lack, and we believe that we are filling that lack by doing so much and giving so much to others just to fill in the holes that we so wanted filled to begin with. And that is especially true for us people pleasers. We never got the love, encouragement, support, comfort, or even affection we desired as children because of what others didn't give us. Or even gave us from passed down behaviors and attitudes. Sometimes, families can be really messed up. Don't you agree? But here's the thing about people pleasing that many of us may not understand right away, and it comes in the form of one word: AVOID. Or AVOIDANCE. People pleasers who grew up in dysfunctional (or functional with underlying problems) households have had practice of not wanting to get involved in conflict. No matter how small the argument or debate might be, people pleasers shy away so quickly because of the way it may lead into something deeper, like relationships being tarnished or even broken. Or even apologizing or groveling for forgiveness if they do stand up for themselves and get some rather harsh responses in return from those who've mistreated them. Or even agreeing to do everything or say "yes" to everything, even if you don't want to do it or agree with whatever that person is saying. But avoidance goes hand in hand with another word: REJECTION. Many of us people pleasers don't want to get involved with conflict and have terrible fears of not being liked by everyone, especially the people who we work with or the people who want to network with who may be able to help us in our careers or in our lives. And that means constantly overextending ourselves, doing all of the chores and tasks by yourself instead of asking for help, and even taking the smallest constructive criticism to heart to the point of beating yourself up and feeling ashamed of yourself because you let someone down due to not giving exactly 100% of yourself at your job or in your relationships. What may be seen as kind, thoughtful, hardworking, and professional in the eyes of others may just be people pleasing. And most of us do our very best to keep it all together just so others don't lose their faith in us or what we believe we're capable of doing, which in this case, is just about everything. And sometimes that "kindness," "thoughtfulness," "hardworking," and "professional" can look different. We may be fixing everything when things are out of control. We take someone else's opinions or suggestions as the absolute truth, even if some parts of it is questionable or doesn't align with your core values and beliefs. We don't share our own personal feelings with others because we don't want to lose anyone. We don't tell people that they've crossed a line with their harmful behavior. Do you see where I'm getting at here? You don't stand up for yourself. You fix everything. You don't share what's on your mind and your heart in a conversation, especially if it's a heated one. You don't think your opinion matters. I think we can add yet another word to the mix of people pleasing: BOUNDARIES. Many of us people pleasers don't have boundaries on what we can or cannot tolerate, or even have established core values set to know when someone's crossed the line. It's especially bad on social media because many of us only judge the content of what someone's comment or post says instead of the content. It's the same with being in person. We tend to pick up vocal or physical cues when someone is speaking and take it the wrong way as opposed to listening first, and then responding, even asking for clarification. But either way, we don't have filters to help us when we meet people in-person or interact with people online. We don't have things set in place to help us decompress or stand up for ourselves to let people know that something they've said or done is not okay, and we will not tolerate that behavior. Maybe, just maybe, all of this comes from a place of lack. Or, in some surprising cases, that lack came from a traumatic experience or moment in your life. Because trauma does play into why there are so many people pleasers out in the world today. Maybe you grew up in a not-so-loving household like I did, or had some people in your life who didn't treat you well. And they threatened to harm you if you spoke up against them. Maybe you were bullied in school because of the way you look or because of your ethnicity. Maybe you were involved in an accident. Maybe you saw your friend or loved one die before your eyes. Maybe you had something so terrible happen to you that it seemingly permanently changed you in a way that has the moment or moments replay in your mind on an endless repeat. That's what it's like to have trauma. Or in some cases, PTSD. And trauma can make you do (or don't do) things that may become a necessity for your protection, like become a people pleaser. You've seen so much conflict, horrible moments, and been mistreated in the worst possible way that being a people pleaser is the only way to receive love, encouragement, and support. You try to be everything that you're unable to be for those who didn't give you that love and support and encouragement in the first place, or something entirely different that's left you to become a people pleaser. You do so much to make up for what you never got in the first place, what you fundamentally needed in order to survive, and you unknowingly become a people pleaser when others think you are genuinely kind, thoughtful, and empathetic. You see where I'm getting at? Whenever we experience a traumatic event, it changes us. A lot of times we don't know how much we've changed because of the trauma. We just see it as a coping mechanism or as a way to move forward. But then we start doing so much more than what we should be doing it becomes second nature... Even if it's harmful in the long run. Trauma plays a big part in why we're people pleasers. And we use things like overextending ourselves, not having boundaries, avoiding conflict, and taking on so much as a way to not deal with, let alone process, everything that's happened to us. Maybe fear plays a big part in that as well. It's not fun going in so deep into our memory banks or our hearts to process and let out all of the trauma, especially if it's in therapy. And someone else telling you that you're a people pleaser before you realize that yourself is not exactly a feel good moment, either. But sooner or later, a lot of the habits and actions associated with trauma may do more harm to you and to those you love... And it may end up hurting you more than you realize if you don't acknowledge or even take steps admitting and changing the patterns of being a people pleaser. So, you have a choice: You can either continue to be a people pleaser - saying yes to everything, doing so much at once, avoiding conflict, giving so much of yourself and your talents without stopping... Or you can get help with stopping the people pleasing once and for all, and start feeling good about yourself again. No one can make that decision for you. It's YOUR choice. (This week's post deals with a serious topic that may be impacting your life right now, and I will tell you that I'm not licensed therapist or specialist on these matters. I'm just sharing my observations and expriences on people pleasing in order to help you see that you're not alone. If you are dealing with any sort of trauma, mental or emotional distress, or anything that is negatively affecting your life, please don't hesitate to seek professional help from a licensed therapist or psychiatrist. And more importantly, please don't share any offensive language, hate speech, or divisive words in response to this or any of my previous posts. If you do any of that sort, I will block you.)

Well, now that you know that I'm a recovering people pleaser, I have a long road ahead of me to break some of the long established patterns I've used to keep me functioning while also implementing some new techniques in order to keep me mentally and emotionally strong. And it's not that hard to take small steps to take care of yourself. You don't have to take gigantic steps or even think that these changes will happen overnight. Change takes time, persistence, and even some grace. You can do things like... Like limiting how much negativity and social media you look at on a regular basis. Yes, there are ways to put down your phone for a while and look at something OTHER than a screen. Like being okay with putting yourself first through silencing notifications, not checking emails every second of the day, saying no to going out or going to events, and doing things that genuinely bring you joy. Like standing up and standing behind your core values, and accepting that not everyone will understand you or like you for sticking to your guns. Like facing conflict head-on, and not standing down on what you are fighting for, or what people think is too foolish or just plain wrong to fight for. And establishing those boundaries on what you can and absolutely cannot tolerate without your beliefs Like grieving and processing everything you've gone through in your life to reach this moment, and all of the relationships that ended and the people who walked out of your life. Like allowing people to be there in your life to help you, guide you, support you, and love you for who you are. And not just any people, but the right people who truly know you, and love you for who you are. It's not too much to ask for help from the people who love you and know you best, just like it's not too much to cut ties with the people and things that no longer serve you. It will hurt like hell to cut them out of your life forever, but your future you will thank you for that. And that's the person you need to focus on the most right now: Not just your present you...

But your future you. The person you are meant to become is waiting for you beyond this moment, the person you dreamed of becoming when you were a little kid. It's not too late to give that inner child the chance to dream so big and reach for the stars with infinite possibilities. Just like it's not too late to end your relationship with being a people pleaser for good. Do you know one of the first things I'm doing to stop being a people pleaser? I'm taking 30 minutes to just stop, be still, and grieve. I had so much thrown at me for the past few months, the past few years even, and I never fully sat down and processed everything. And sometimes when I'm still and allow my mind to wander, that's when I go deep and look within to see how much I'm hurting... And how much I'm becoming the woman I was meant to be. Sometimes it takes moments in our lives to realize that we're people pleasers, and it's not okay that our boundaries and beliefs are being compromised by something we've done or said that others find upsetting and disagreeing. Like standing up for ourselves. I can't tell you the number of times I've stood up for myself, and then allowed other's words and actions to bring me back down to their level. And how ashamed I felt in that process. And I can't tell you how much I never want that to happen to me again. I may not be able to please everyone, but I have to focus on my needs and beliefs now, even if it means ruffling some feathers and not having everyone see my point of view or understand where I'm coming from. Sometimes the simple act of being still and allowing yourself to grieve and process everything can do wonders for taking a step forward. And also giving yourself grace in the process. Undoing the people pleasing takes time, and there will be plenty of mistakes to make along the way. But I can assure you that your future self will thank you for it. So many people who are so afraid of changing their ways are in awe, even jealous, of your journey into becoming the person you meant to be. Don't give them the satisfaction of giving up and returning to your old ways. Don't even give them the satisfaction of pleasing them. It's time to take the first steps for your future you. And it's okay to be scared! But still take those steps, and just remember that no one is ever alone. Allow the right people, the people who truly know you, love you, and accept you for who you are, to come into your life more than ever. And focus on YOU. Your future you will be so proud of you for not giving up. Do it for them. Do it for YOU.