The First Day of Another 365-Day Journey

Well, if you're reading this blog today, you caught me at a good time... Because today is sort of a special day for me. It's sort of my birthday... And I'm pretty excited about it. Okay, I'm lying - I'm over the moon that it's my birthday! To be able to reach the next year of my life is quite the accomplishment, especially after a bumpy start to the year, some unexpected life changes, and doing some external and internal healing & recovery after surgery and burnout (thankfully, not occurring at the same time). If you recall, I hold my birthday in the highest regards ever since fifth grade, when my classmates and my teacher forgot that it was my birthday. No birthday wishes, no birthday cake, not even a simple acknowledgment of my special day. It still haunts me to this day that people forgot my birthday. Then again, it's easy to forget a birthday like mine when there are so many things going on this time of year: School is up and running again. Shows are getting ready to open, close, have auditions & callbacks, and everything in between. My Jewish friends and acquaintances are prepping for their respective holidays and traditions. Weddings. New babies. People moving to new locations, either within the county, state, or nation, or even outside of the country. New jobs, or leaving one after a number of years. Grieving the loss of a loved one. In other words... People are too busy to remember that it's my birthday, so it's natural for them to forget. And the funny thing is that even though it's been a number of years since that day back in fifth grade, I still find myself feeling sad when all of the people I care about don't take the time out to wish me happy birthday, because they forgot. To me, that says that they don't care or that I'm not worthy enough of a birthday wish. And I find myself being that fifth grader all over again, with tears streaming down her cheeks and trying to hide the sadness from others when everyone forgot the most important day of my life. Lately, I've been slowly recovering from my burnout, which has had plenty of ups and downs, and even an unexpected setback. First of all, I'm doing much better since April, and I'm on the mend. All of those long walks in the fresh air, 45-60 minute workouts, listening to my favorite songs, slowly starting to establish boundaries on what I can or cannot take, not going out for every audition or project that's out there, and being vulnerable with others has been making a big difference in my life. But there are still more things that I can do in order to heal. And that includes keeping up with what I'm doing for the past 5-6 months, but also allowing myself to look back and reflect on everything that's happened this past year. Let me tell you, 2023 was a rough year for me. Nothing seemed to go right for me, and no matter how much of an effort I put into what I do and what I love, it wasn't enough. And I found myself growing bitter, impatient, jealous, cynical, and emotionally and mentally unstable. Somehow, this year has been a major turnaround from this time last year, and it was all because I had to make a big decision in my career that helped turn things around for the better. (For those of you who know what big decision I made, please don't share it with everyone. Likewise, I'm choosing not to share what I decided as this is my business and all you need to know is that I'm doing just fine right now.) And from there, it started a domino effect of transformation and healing. Somehow, the burnout was a good thing for me, as much as I'd hate to admit this, because it forced me to face the very emotions, beliefs, and emotional trauma I carried for many years in order to be a better person. And one of the biggest things I'm looking forward to unpacking and leaving to the side of the road forever is one that I've carried for much of my life... And it turns out to be the root cause of my burnout. Don't worry; things will get joyous as we go on. But first, I have to unpack and unload a LOT of emotional baggage and heavy weights I've carried in order to get to the joy. I hope you'll permit me to be vulnerable with you for today's blog post, but if not, please stop here right now and be sure to take care of yourself.

What a difference a year makes! Especially in that photo above. When I took this picture, I was desperately trying to keep it together for my birthday tea party in NYC after my train was delayed for over an hour without any communication, forcing me to rush my annual birthday celebration - which included an audition - instead of enjoying it like I was hoping to do. But this time around, things were different. For starters, my train departed on time (thank God!), even two minutes before the scheduled departure. You don't know how much that meant to me. I arrived in NYC on time, and allowed myself to take my sweet time enjoying the day. I considered this my mental health day, so that meant no emails or even thinking about my career for the day. I got to try an NYC bagel for the very first time, which included lox and cream cheese, and I will never go back to store bought bagels ever again. I got to do some birthday shopping and found a beautiful blue sweater to wear for when the weather gets colder. I got to ride the subway - twice! - in the newer cars, and enjoyed how efficient the subway is in NYC (DC, you need to get with the program). I walked through Central Park and stopped by a floor mural that had the word "Imagine" on it. Someone was nice enough to get a picture of me with the mural! One of the highlights of the day was having a birthday tradition that I started last year, which was going to a really cool tea place called Alice's Tea Cup on the Upper West Side, and having a birthday tea party. As you can probably tell, I was in heaven!

And if that weren't enough...

I had a birthday cupcake - cookies & cream! With a lighted candle to make a wish! A year filled with wisdom, clarity, direction, joy, good memories, and opportunities are among the things I wished for, but if I'm being entirely honest, there would be one more thing I would add to the list. And it's one that I've recently discovered in the past month. As some of you may know, I'm currently recovering from burnout, and it's been a slow and sometimes painful process to heal from. And one of the reasons that was is due to my apparent inability to look within myself and see what changes I have to make in order to ensure this doesn't happen again. When you have over eight years of professional acting under your belt, and then you add a lifetime of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse to the mix, you better believe that looking within is quite possibly the last thing you want to do. But at this point, I didn't have a choice. Because my body forced me to do this. Sometimes slowing down may be seen as a nuisance, but it's also a good thing. As it so happens, slowing down makes you rethink some things and actually do the one thing that is often the hardest to do. Let go. The way I see my burnout is a peeling of the layers that I've built up over the years, removing those habits and thoughts that have plagued my mind and heart for the past 36 years of my life and no longer serve me, and then reach the core of it all to figure out how I can truly begin to heal. And reaching the core was no mean feat. I've had to give myself a lot of grace and compassion as I neared there, and discovering the root cause of it all caught me off guard. I shared with a local theatre group about what's been going on and how much I'm looking forward to an acting break after the first week of next month, and asked for suggestions on how to take care of my mental health while also recovering from burnout. Apart from the answers that suggest doing something outside of acting, enjoying nature, and being kind to your inner child, one answer stood out to me that had me doing some deep thinking and reflection. One artist told me that burnout doesn't happen because you're tired. There's a root cause behind the burnout, and I need to be the one to determine what it was. Well, it turned out I didn't have to go that far to find out the answer. I had to look back. From the time I made my big decision back in March, I was on the go nonstop - auditions, photo sessions, baking, fundraising, you name it. And all the while, I was giving so much of my time, talent, and heart, and I didn't get the chance to have the one thing I've always wanted... And that's appreciation. Not a lot of people said "thank you" or even "I appreciate you." I had given so much of my time, talent, and heart, that I didn't have the opportunity to receive because of how much I gave. Sometimes, I gave so much that I didn't get any form of gratitude or appreciation from the people I was giving to. Or, as I'd put in a Facebook post... Simply put: I give WAY too much, but aren’t getting appreciated enough for my giving. Which is kind of making me feel like I’m not good enough to people.

I give too much of my heart, my talents, my empathy, my baked goods, my knowledge, my compassion, and the list goes on and on. And for the past year and a half, it seems like whenever I do the giving, I often get overlooked or under appreciated to the point where I wonder why I gave so much. It could be that I’m expecting something in return, even if it’s a simple “thank you,” which I admit is selfish. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been putting in so much work lately that I actually deserve something nice for once, especially after everything I’ve been through and currently going through. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been so kind and diligent in my duties for so long that I’m sick and tired of not being recognized on the same level as my peers, partly because of my impatience.

The truth is… it could be all of those things or something entirely different. I just know that I’m tired of giving so much without being recognized or appreciated by everyone.

I just want to be able to receive for once. Not do any work or put forth any effort. Just receive the bountiful harvest I’ve been spreading the seeds in and reap the rewards.

That is my biggest wish for my recovery from the burnout. To actually sit back and receive from the people who truly appreciate and love me, and to know that I am enough, no matter what happens.

I wish there was a simple way to go about this, but unfortunately, nothing really is ever simple. Especially when you have things being thrown at you all at once from every which way. Because of my big heart, I give WAY too much, and sometimes, not to the right people. I'm not sure what's more frustrating as I give - being overlooked and under-appreciated for giving so much, expecting something in return for all of the hard work and kindness I share with others, or doing all of the right things so meticulously and carefully and exactly right without being recognized on the same level as your peers. Turns out, it could be all of the above. And I knew that I had to dig a little bit deeper to come to terms with why I give so much. Once again, I didn't have to go far. I had to look back, and painfully realize that my capacity to give so much came from the fact that the people who were supposed to love me never uttered the two words I wanted to hear so much: "Thank you." My father, older sister, and even my mom never said "thank you" to me when I was growing up, not once. And that broke my heart in a million pieces when I came to this realization. That would explain why I give so much: I wasn't good enough to earn a simple "thank you" from my family, but maybe giving my gifts and time and talents to others who may appreciate me more may just fill that hole that's been unfilled for so long. To me, appreciation is being told that I'm enough, and that I don't have to do more than within my means to prove that to others. But here's the thing about this - the only one who can truly see your worth...

Is YOU. And that's a big part of the recovery process that I'm on right now, and it is hard to come to that realization. Because it's not just a one day thing. It's a daily reminder that you are enough, no matter what life throws at you, and it's okay to treat your inner child to remind yourself of this. There are people out there who will take your kindness and use it for their own means, and not even say thank you. And then accuse you of being ungrateful when you call them out for their selfishness and mistreatment. And there are also people who may never say "thank you," whether it's from the heart or out of common courtesy. It's a sad time we live in. But we shouldn't have to base our worth on the opinions of others. That's a hard lesson we have to learn... And relearn... And relearn... And relearn. Because the truth is, we forget that we don't need to compare ourselves to others to feel worthy, or even become so conceited that we ignore the need to love ourselves without having to show others that we're enough and the object of perfection. And we have to be reminded of this again and again. Even the strongest and most resilient of people forget their worth, especially when they're at their lowest point. I know that I've forgotten my worth on many of an occasion. And I needed to be reminded of that regularly. I'm slowly starting to see my worth... At the ripe old age of 36. And I'm sorry it took me so long to see that it's not found in the eyes of others, but from within my own heart. If I could give that scared, insecure girl a big hug and tell her I'm sorry, I would do that in a heartbeat. There's still a chance to give that little girl everything she's ever dreamed of. It's not too late to become the person that little child you were aspired to be. If he or she could see you now and all of the things you're accomplishing, they'd be proud of you and root you on. Or maybe it's time to pivot and do all of the things you were unable to do before to make that child proud of you. All it takes is seeing that worth from within you, and reminding yourself that you are enough... And NEVER stop telling yourself that. Give yourself time to cry and tend to your inner child, if you must... But never lose sight of who you are or your worth. You're the only one who can see that, even if it takes a bit of doing after living in a tumultuous and unsupportive environment for so long. Never stop learning and relearning your worth. Not everyone in the world will see that and say "thank you". YOU are the only one who can see that worth, and tend to it every day, not to the point of becoming egotistical, but to the point where no matter what happens, you will always be enough. Because the problem isn't you... It's the world who isn't ready or quite sure what to do with a light that exudes so much illumination in the lives of others, and in your own unique way, I might add. It's THEM. You're never the problem. You're okay just as the way you are. You're special. You're talented. You're smart. You're handsome. You're beautiful. You're strong. You're courageous. You're amazing. YOU... ARE... ENOUGH. (This week's blog post has a bit of weight as this is a current time of much growth, pruning, healing, and tending to my garden. But know this: these are my observations and reflections. You are welcome to disagree with anything I've said in this or previous blogs, or even offer your own opinions and thoughts. However, I will not tolerate any disrespectful speech, offensive language, or hateful commentary from anyone. We all need to be kinder to one another, and that means agreeing to disagree. If you can't even be kind to that one person whose opinion is vastly different from yours without the need to spew off hate, I will block you.)

What a difference a year makes at Alice's Tea Cup for my birthday celebration! I'm now 36 years old, and I have a lot to celebrate as I look forward to starting another journey around the sun. But if there's one thing I'd wish for the most out of the many wishes and dreams for my birthday, it's the one that's often the hardest thing any of us who've been struggling for so long wants to have. And that's the opportunity to RECEIVE for once. That's my biggest wish for my birthday. I've given so much of my talents, gifts, love, courage, and strength to others that I've forgotten what it's like to receive for once. It would be nice to receive love from all of the lives I've touched, even in a small way. It would be nice to receive acting opportunities and connections from the relentless hard work I've put into my career, even if I didn't get cast or called back. It would be nice to receive gratitude from others after putting in the effort to do my job and my career so well. It would be nice to just sit back and do nothing but just receive for once. And more importantly, be okay with me doing the receiving to my inner child that hasn't been given anything but pain and trauma for most of her life. There is good from recovering from burnout, and it's not so much the destination but the journey to get to that healing. And getting to the point where you realize that it's okay to not give so much all of the time is quite liberating. What would I like to receive this year? Well, for starters... More opporutnities to act, of course. Especially the classics and literary adaptations. More recipes to try and cook & bake at home. More books to read (while also catching up on the ones I haven't read so far!). More adventures and mental health days where I can just be and live in the moment. More discoveries about who I am and what I can do, and holding myself in the highest regard for all of my accomplishments and strengths while giving myself space to fix the pieces of my life that are challenging. More appreciation for everything that I can and what I'm working on in my life, both in the presence of others and behind the scenes. More love. It'll be nice to receive for once and not have to do so much giving. I can't wait to see what this next journey around the sun will bring me... And I hope all of my birthday wishes come true this year. Let the birthday celebration: BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!